Hello Folks,

I hope all is well with you all. Its been a LONGGGG TIME and I have a lot to share with you all. Most of this bit is about the depression and anxiety I've faced in the year or so and how I've began to come out of "the sunken place". I hope this reflection brings people who are going through similar experiences some form of hope and I hope those who have never dealt with depression can began to understand how it impacts others lives and how its not easy to simply just "get out" of it. Like what I did there?? ;) lol (in reference to the movie "Get out" by Jordan Peele. If you haven't seen it, skkkkkrrrrrrrrrrrrrrong suggestion that you do).

Depression: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest.

Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome:

The first time I remember dealing with depression was when I was around 10 - 12 years old. At that point, my older brothers had left the house and I felt insecure, physically and emotionally. They had left to live with our biological family while myself and younger brother stayed with our foster mom who had adopted us. All of the protection and togetherness that I had for years was suddenly taken away from me and what made it worst was that, my older brothers were inconsistent with their contact with us. I felt abandoned and vulnerable. I was also dealing with the fact that I had been sexually abused which I didn't finally speak up and tell someone until I was in middle school. I swore I would take it to the grave. This is actually the first time I am being open about it online without alluding to it. I was easily irritated, cried a lot and was very insecure about my body and who I was at the moment. There were days I'd wake up and feel as though a dark cloud was constantly above me and wouldn't wane, no matter what I tried.

Kindergarten graduation and College Graduation photos.

The second time I remember dealing with depression was when I was in college, sophomore year. I was emotionally and physically drained all the time. I didn't care about my grades. My sibling had been shot and I felt like everything was slipping away from me. Our relationship wasn't as it used to be and though my mind was supposed to be in the books, it was constantly somewhere else. What if something happened to my family? I didn't care about my grades, I just needed to pass. I wanted to always sleep and felt tired even when I slept for long hours. Depression also looked like neglecting my self and feeding my body horrible food which did nothing for my mood and health. Someone told me that I should go to the wellness center at my school and talk to a professional. Though I was reluctant, I went anyway. My first experience was horrible. I felt like the person I spoke to wasn't genuine. I was turned off by my experience but not completely. Something told me to go back and I made sure to ask for a different person to speak to. I was so glad I made that decision because she helped me overcome my depression as well as pointed out some things to me that I didn't realize about myself. This, along with my faith and support from friends and family helped me to defeat depression at the time.

Now, before I go on, I have to explain this. My faith in God and in spirituality was not gone during these times. Having depression and anxiety, doesn't mean that I don't believe in God or that I "don't pray hard enough" FOH. No where in the bible or in life does it say that people wont go through hardship just because they believe in God or believe in something other than themselves. Life is all about hardships, joy, triumphs, etc. It is truly about how you respond to a situation that makes the difference in how you will receive and grow from the situation. In regards to depression and anxiety, some people respond in different ways. Life experiences has taught me, as well as pursuing social work, that NO ONE'S LIFE IS THE SAME. We have all walked different paths in life so it is unwise of me to assume that everyone will have the same ideologies or have the same understanding as I do. However, for the sake of co existence, we follow a set of laws or behaviors that'll allow us to live amongst each other. We are still learning to accept each other for whom everyone is and I believe that that'll always be one of our greatest struggles. The way in which we can do so is to strive for understanding, patience and respect. I say all that to say that no ones life is the same so when one says "just pray about it" or "be thankful you woke up this morning" or "it could be worse", it doesn't help. Yes, those things are true but those things aren't helpful to all. Depression persists and insist and sometimes you can catch it early before it takes over and other times you will have to ride the wave, for however long it lasts.

I began to ride the 3rd wave of depression while starting graduate school. My move to Albany was a drastic change from what I was used to in my undergrad.

Look at me, all excited and unsuspecting of all the horrors that await me. lol

I was used to being in a community of people who knew me. I was used to having an idea and making things happen. I was used to moving how I wanted and taking advantage of opportunities that fed my passion. In grad school, it wasn't like that. I've met some amazing individuals who have helped me along this time who I know will be lifetime homies, but the majority of this ride, I was alone. I moved 3 times within the last 2 years. I am constantly separated from my support system and working a part time job, going to school full time and having an internship that you have to commit to, is no easy journey. Many times you will neglect what is important to you. I felt like and still feel as though I am in go mode. I have to keep my head down and keep moving lest I stop and the wave overcomes me. Throughout this time, I wasn't devoid of faith but I began to question things, avoid it and neglect it. I wasn't nurturing my relationship with God and I felt that not mentioning my faith would allow me to be all inclusive of the people that were in my life and along with my profession. NAH, SON.

I had to come to the realization that my faith is part of me. It makes up who I am and it has been a huge part of what has allowed me to not only survive, but THRIVE. As a foster kid, who has witnessed violence, who has been sexually abused, who has been ripped from her family, who has been neglected numerous times, who has dealt with so many different trauma's, who has graduated and gone on to get her masters... statistics say I'm supposed to be either dead, strung out, with child, in jail, etc. My faith and God's plan for my life has said otherwise.

The way I began to come up out of this sunken place was realizing that I needed help. As a student, mental health services are part of our tuition. I called the number back in February and set up an appointment for 2 weeks later. It felt odd. There I was, a "therapist" at my internship and seeking the help of a therapist. lol. I also decided to put in effort. I would agree to clean my room or at least put on clothes that made me look good on the outside though I felt hopeless on the inside. I decided to start going for walks, no matter the weather. I figured I had to fight for myself, I had to. How can I host a website talking about self love if I'm not showing myself any? How can I encourage anyone else and truly "be there" for anyone else if I couldn't even be here for myself? Little accomplishments throughout the day whether it was making my bed or eating a healthy meal made me feel better. Sometimes it took me talking to myself out loud or a lot of denouncing of negative thoughts that lived in my head for too long. It took some deliberate praying and still some deliberate praying. One of the best things I did for myself recently was going agreeing to be part of this poetry show at Sage College on Valentines day. There I met someone who agreed to take me under his wing and build me up professionally and help remind me of my greatness. He asked me questions that forced me to reflect on who I was and who I am going to be. He reminded me of who I am with just sitting with me for 5 minutes. That's no coincidence and that wasn't the first time it has happened to me. I was no longer casting away what brought me strength but reveling in what was promised to me: Glory and success. God had already spoke life into my situation, long before I accepted it. Long before I knew it. I was already destined for greatness whether I felt it or not. Whether I wanted to step into it or not. God never slept on me, I slept on God. The ways in which he spoke to me were through other people, through my own internal reflection ( I think about what I think, a lot) through my clients, through nature and through opportunities. There was always something or someone who saw something in me that I hadn't seen in myself for a long time and they always called on me to bring it out whether it be a stranger or someone I've known for sometime. I've also recently had the opportunity to host or be part of talking to our youth about college life, hardships I've faced and how I've overcome them which has helped to ignite the flame in me, something depression and anxiety sought to extinguish.

I named this piece behind the filter because often, what people see on the outside is not a reflection of what a person feels on the inside. On the outside, I'd smile, laugh, post funny, relatable statuses but on the inside I was drained, hopeless, irritated, sleepy, sad, angry, etc.

My brother said ""now thanks be unto God, which always causeth us to triumph in Christ, and maketh manifest the savour of his knowledge by us in every place".(2 Corinthians 2:14)With that being said, I feel like, as I fight the good fight of faith today, I failed to realize that my mind is where the battle take place. And whatever I allow to dominate my mind, would rule my life, so would it be the lies of Satan or the word of God. When thoughts come that are contrary to God's will, I must cast them away, and above all, don't worry. A friend once told me that worrying is meditating the thoughts of Satan, and even though he will continually try to tell me my situation is hopeless, God has promised me that he will always cause me to triumph in Christ. I realize that I'm guaranteed victory over the adversity I'm facing today." Amen.

I write this piece in hopes that this will lift someone up out of their darkness and I write this to myself to remind me of my power when the darkness decides to visit again. I am strengthened, I am powerful, I am blessed, I am highly favored and I have already defeated that which seeks to destroy me. AMEN.