I made this Facebook post last week about how children are treated by parents/guardians and the larger society. I added a little more and some of my own thoughts.
First, I AM NOT A PARENT and have never been one so my views are from my experience as a child and my experience as someone who loves children. I know there is nothing like being a biological parent or guardian to a child that you are 100 percent responsible for, every day, all day. However, 1) as someone who is passionate about child and adolescent health and well being, 2) as someone who has worked with children for 9 years 3) as someone who is pursuing a master’s degree in social work to serve children and their families, I have my views and will share them.
An edited version of the Facebook post:
“It's very common where I'm from to treat children as though they're replaceable or as adults, sometimes as soon as they start walking. Babies who were once tended to for crying are treated so harshly as they begin to show signs of maturity (walking, first words, etc.) They're not allowed to have emotions or showcase their emotions. They aren’t taught to identify their emotions and deal with them effectively. Instead they're told to "stop crying, shut up, be quiet," or threatened by physical harm. Children are taught that they are the reason for their parents anger and pain and seen more as a nuisance than a human. Children are told the home they live in is not theirs, they'll starve if they don’t eat what is in front of them and they'll get beat for having a differing opinion. If they're too curious, too happy or always sad, they’re in risk of being in "trouble". Their parents' love is contingent on whether or not parents are satisfied/dissatisfied with their child's behavior at the moment. Children are expected to pick up slack and often handle adult like responsibilities but are still told to stay in a child's place. Adolescent females are kicked out of the house at an early age while adolescent males and allowed to stay way into adulthood often without any responsibilities. If adolescents run away from home or get in trouble with the law, we have less sympathy for them, though their minds are still not fully developed. Children aren’t encouraged to have self-esteem related to their talents but rather their looks. Children are often labeled “bad” for doing developmental behaviors or natural humanistic behaviors. Children are motivated by fear and shame instead of positive encouragement. They're often labeled liars, thieves and brats instead of their character being separated from the action. For example, instead of saying you're a liar, say "that was dishonest", or instead of saying "you're fresh" say "what you did was inappropriate. They don’t have the luxury of being curious, having things explained to them, having choices, being valued, being shown patience and understanding. They're not given the benefit of the doubt. They're criminalized way before they even step foot in the streets. We have to do better by our children. We really do.”
So I sat and thought of ways we can do better by our children and here is some things I've come up with.
1. Identifying our own emotions. Understanding the emotions you feel in the moment or may feel due to a situation can help you control your reaction to it. We should learn to control them before allowing them to control us. Often we let our emotions take control and before we know it, we say and do things that we don’t mean. If a situation is getting heated, embarrassing, etc. taking deep breaths, walking away, talking in a calm tone, etc. is sometimes the best we can do until we are able to rationalize our feelings and move forward with reconciliation or acceptance. If a child does something that may anger you, maybe it’s best to remove yourself from the situation until you're able to think and make a decision beneficial for all parties involved.
2. Recognize developmental milestones. Many of us get frustrated and call children “bad” for doing things that children will naturally do. For example, as a child begins to crawl and walk and gain more independence, they will want to explore their surroundings. This includes touching valuable things. Instead of getting frustrated at their curiosity, remove distractions or play with them to help them explore.
3. Taking care of our mental health. Many mothers suffer from postpartum depression and may not be able to identify it. Many people suffer from mental health issues and are unaware or feel as though ongoing symptoms of sadness, anxiety, uncertainty, restlessness, etc. are a regular part of life. Sometimes we take our anger and sadness out on those closest to us which includes our children, family and lovers. Many of us have suffered and is still suffering from depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder and so much more. This is not to say that people who suffer from mental illness are unfit to be parents but to say that it is important we get the help we need to be fit parents and caregivers.
4. Realizing that children are small human beings. Therefore, they may lie to avoid getting in trouble. They may remove things from its proper place. They may hide things from you. They will get angry. They will cry and they will throw tantrums. They WILL disappoint you. Despite popular belief, CHILDREN ARE NOT TO JUST BE SEEN AND UNHEARD. They are not little dolls put here for our enjoyment and entertainment. You will need to repeat yourself. You will have to model the correct behavior you want to see over and over and over again. And that’s okay. We were once children ourselves and depended on an adult and those around us to show us how to navigate the world around us. Understanding and expecting these occurrences helps prepare you for it, reduces anger and impatience and can allow you to make better decisions.
5. Be patient. Patience is a myth. When ya'll find this thing they call patience, holla at me and pass some over here. It realllly takes a special kind of strength to accomplish. Naturally, we want immediate satisfaction. When we want something, we want it now. When we ask someone to do something for us or when someone says they'll do something, we hold them to it. We don't like waiting, explaining things more than once and we are quick to anger. It is so difficult to practice patience but very possible. You will need a lot of it when it comes to dealing with children.
6. Practice self care and self love. Taking care of yourself and loving yourself are some of the best things we can do to care for our children. This includes making sure your health is good to be able to play with them and ensure you live longer. Taking care of your mental health is also good as well as taking care of other realms of health and well being. Loving yourself is great because it allows you to be your best self and serve our children better.
7. Provide safe environments. A child must feel safe in order to grow. Growing up in environments that require that they constantly look over their shoulder creates hypervigilance and anxiety. Domestic violence, screaming, domineering personality, belittling their abilities and so much more can hinder safe environments. Also, environments that may expose them to drugs, alcohol, sexual abuse, etc. are unsafe. Many children are sexually abused, usually by someone closest to them. They tend to feel embarrassed, ashamed, angry and sad after. Their behavior may change drastically or you may not notice a difference in their behavior. Develop a connection with your child that will allow them to feel open and safe about sharing this type of information with you. Talk to them about appropriate touch and uncomfortable or inappropriate touch even from friends and family members. We often think these things may happen in public or anywhere else but our home. We often thing it won’t be someone close to us but statistics tell us otherwise. Safe environments allow your child to be honest and open with you about things that make them feel uncomfortable.
8. Be a role model. Model the behavior you want them to imitate. Consistently. You are their first teacher, mentor, protector, and provider. You are their first love. They expect safety, shelter, love and consistency from you. Often times well say “DO as I say, NOT as I do”. That is a hard concept for children to grasp, especially when actions speak louder than words. Model the behavior you want your child to see. You want them to tell the truth, be truthful with them. If you want them to express themselves effectively, express yourself effectively.
9. Love them unconditionally. Listen to them. Encourage them. Love them. Hug them. Allow them to cry. Hold them. Carry them to bed. Speak to them nicely. Speak to them with respect. Share your feelings with them. Respect their growth. Respect their feelings. Respect their space. Love them despite their lies. Love them despite their fears. Love them despite their lack of confidence. Fill them with encouragement. Treat them. Cheer them on. Love them despite any “flaws” they have.
10. Allow them to be themselves. They are going to have their own personalities. They are going to do things to annoy you. No matter what ideas you have for them, they will choose their own path. Trust your abilities and steer them as best you can. Understand they will develop their own quirks, personalities and preferences. You’ve done your job. It’s all good.
As I stated before, I am not a parent but I LOVE children and believe they need love and guidance. They are one of our most vulnerable populations and need consistency. Parenting does not come with a manual and no matter how many times you prepare, you can never truly be ready for what parenthood entails. It is a selfless, lifetime responsibility and I admire those who work at it everyday to be better than the last. Thank you.
