Hello folks,

I’ve noticed that among young black millennials, there has been more of a push to heal the transgressions of our ancestors and to rectify our relationships with ourselves and each other. A push to heal, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, to take accountability, to make space for safety, healing, growth, laughter, forgiveness, to be more accepting of ourselves and each other, etc. I love that we are moving towards a more freeing future and as a culture, being more accepting. While I appreciate this new lifestyle, I think we could still use room to grow.

I’ve compiled a list of things we need to stop doing as a culture. This can go for anyone, honestly, but I had these thoughts with black folk in mind.

Stop asking for someones body count regarding sex- MIND YOUR BUSINESS!

This typically comes into concern when with women. One of the questions in the dating phase is how many people have you had sex with? One’s body count literally has nothing to do with who they are as a person or their value. We attach so much to how many partners one has/had to decipher how valuable they are. Sex is normal and people enjoy engaging in it. What is the benefit of knowing someones body count besides judging them for their decisions? The only thing that is important is their health. “How many bodies?” should be, “when is the last time you were checked?” “Is it OK if I see your results?” “How can we engage in safe sex with reduced risk of catching an STI/STD or pregnancy?” Lets get it on, folks.

Stop shaming women for enjoying sex.

Women have sex. Women enjoy sex. Women can be freaky. Women can last for rounds. Women can enjoy giving oral sex. Women don’t have to have experience having sex in order to be “freaks”. NORMALIZE WOMEN ENJOYING SEX. Often, I hear conversations about men being surprised that women enjoy sex, a lot of the times its because they can’t fathom women outside of their own enjoyment. Dudes be so shocked women are sexual beings. I say this with young girls in mind as well. Many times, when young girls/teens express that they have a crush or are attracted to the opposite sex, people tend to want to snuff this desire out due, largely, to the idea that girls are pure. Also, in the back of peoples mind, they know that girls/women are susceptible to hurt/abuse by the hands of men and boys. If we are afraid of this, it’s time we stop checking women and girls and start checking men and boys.

Stop using someones weight as a greeting or starter conversation.

Can we please stop doing this? for real. This isn’t cool and lots of people don’t like it. Listen Aunty, if you’re not willing to pay for a gym membership, my food, and new clothes, then please STFU about my size. Even if you are willing to do that, we need to be more accepting of folks, exactly where they are. I see often times, when plus size models get their shine, people immediately comment on their health. Bigger people deserve to be valued. They deserve to feel loved. They deserve to feel sexy. Keep your unsolicited “advice”/

Shaming women for getting abortions.

We need to stop shaming women for getting abortions. The decision to get one is personal and there are so many different situations that can contribute to this decision. Regardless of our religious, personal or spiritual beliefs, this shouldn’t dictate how we treat women and whether we judge them. Abortions don’t dictate worth, value, whether or not someone is “Wifey Material”, whether someone will be a good mother, a decent human being, or anything. Its a personal decision and we must support instead of shaming. Anything, anyone of us does can be deemed horrible to others so we are at no place to judge others.

We need to stop shaming people for having STI's/STD's

People have sex and people get STD’s. We shame people for having STD’s regardless of their sexuality and their actions. A person can have sex once and they can contract an STD just as someone can have hundreds of partners and never contract one. Its a common thing and we need to normalize it. The more we remove the stigma, the more education and the less people are ashamed to share if they have an STD/STI. People assume that if one contracts one, they are “dirty, or irresponsible when its the complete opposite. If we want more honesty, open communication and less shame, we must be honest with our selves, educate ourselves and be open to communication. This means listening, keeping personal opinions out of conversations, extending empathy to others as we would want someone to extend empathy to us.

Shaming people for not wanting kids

Some people don’t want kids and that’s OK. That’s more than OK. Kids aren’t for everybody and we need to stop making such a big deal if one doesn’t want to bring children into the world or one gives them up for adoption. It is a personal decision and there are so many things that go into why someone doesn’t want children. Childbirth can be traumatic. Children are expensive. Some people don’t want to be responsible for such a huge responsibility. Not everyone desires a replica of themselves. Some people don’t want kids and that’s OK.

Saying “children are acting grown”

Lord, I come humbly before you to ask that you pleaseeeee make our ears ring anytime we think to call a child "grown.” I remember as a child, there were certain things I did, that I was unaware of, that would make others call me acting grown. And it made me feel ashamed. Allow children to be children and lets be a little more tender with how we treat them, how we address them and how we steer their thoughts and behaviors.

Stop shaming ourselves and each other for being too loud in white spaces

F*ck. Outta. Here.

If I must go in, in 2019, lets stop policing ourselves around white folks. White folks do it enough. I grew up putting them on a pedestal and I refuse to stay into adulthood the same way. It is a constant in American culture and the standard around the world. I remember being afraid of how I would be perceived in their spaces. Especially in my professional life. I was first made aware of this while in college in a PWI. We would be doing the most mundane things in their presence and black folk would say “dont laugh too loud, dont talk to loud, etc.” I was supposed to be trained to think twice about wtf we doing, how we do it, how we say it and what we say. FUCK THAT. Laugh, breath, unclench your ass, be. Be. Take up space. Talk how you want. Joke around, let out that loud powerful voice. Allow your soul and being to expand in their space because it is yours, as well. You belong here. You are just as valuable or more. Peace and Love to you.

Throwing our trans brothers and sisters under the bus as a guise for comedy or for validation.

This has to stop. Regardless of our spiritual or religious beliefs, people are dying. Trans women are dying and we are at fault, whether directly or indirectly. People deserve protection, love, support, and to feel safe. Making jokes about how trans women look, their process, their decision. etc. is not okay and we need to stop. We need to support, protect, love fiercely. Especially now. If you are are comfortable with throwing them under the bus for your own validation, you need to explore what it is that makes you uncomfortable within yourself and address that. Protect our brothers and sisters or leave them the fuck alone.

Thank you for coming to my ted Talk.

Are there any other things that we could do as a culture? please drop them in the comments below.