Throughout my life, people have accused me of being aggressive, often pairing this with the reason I’m single. They say this while demanding that I be smaller, demanding that I take up less space, demanding that I be quiet, demanding that I calm down even when they say inflammatory things, “encouraging” me to let my guard down. All of this with no consideration of who I am, what made me this way and no indication of protecting me once *if* my guard is down. As I think back on the origins of my aggression, it brings me to air it all out in this piece, and encourage all of my aggressive girls to exclaim “nice for what!” not as a question but as a definitive statement.

I’ve dubbed myself a tom boy, as I grew up with my brothers and wanted to emulate them so bad lol. I thought everything they did was admirable and wanted to be part of their brotherhood. I also think growing up in foster care and with a family like mine, I had no choice but to be “hard”. My brothers wouldn’t allow me to be “soft”, often challenging me to make sure I could hold my own, physically. I always felt the need to fend for myself or at least prove that I could. It was important for me to show attitude or “snap back” to prove how tough I was so other people wouldn’t tease me. Where I’m from, it was important to be able to never fold and never appear nice in certain situations. Where I’m from, being nice could mean you get taken advantage of. Being nice could mean someone could abuse you. Being nice meant that someone could beat you up. Being nice meant that someone could molest you. Being nice could mean someone could rape you. Being nice could get you killed.

There was a time when I noticed the “softer”, quiet, docile girls received more attention and admiration and I secretly envied them. In elementary school, I remember dubbing these girls as “important” whereas I felt insignificant. I wanted to be admired, too and not just by boys, but by society. If I wasn’t pretty, I was forgotten, if I wasn’t small, i wasn’t protected, if I wasn’t quiet, I was unworthy of respect. Looking back, I’m grateful I stuck to who I truly was. People weren’t interested in why I would be quick to snap back, why I was always ready to throw hands, why I didn’t wear a smile on my face, why there was very little to smile about, why I wouldn’t take chances, why I guarded my heart, why I always wanted to keep a weapon near, why I always need to be near the exit, why I always have to plot how I could escape, why I always need to know where I’m going, why I seem cold hearted, why I’m brutally honest, why I am barely able to be surprised, why I gotta be 2 steps ahead with a lot of shit.

Looking back, I both felt comfortable in baggy clothes due to this naturally being my comfort level and to avert attention from my growing body. My body developed damn near when I was still in elementary school and I felt very self-conscious. I wanted to avoid further sexual abuse. I wanted to stop unwanted attention from dudes on the corner. I wanted to be damn near invisible, because a growing girl is made to feel ashamed in her body. A growing girl is told to do as she’s told and not as she feels. A growing girl is told not to ask questions. A growing girl is accused of acting grown. A growing girl is forced to please everyone around her, despite her own needs.

It wasn’t until I found my voice, until I noticed what was uniquely mine, that I started to, quite frankly, not give a fuck. That started a little before high school and has continued into adulthood. I’m so glad I had such self-awareness and was validated by those around me (shout out to you Ms. Hill for encouraging me to use my powers for good) to continue to be me, but, improve. It wasn’t until I got to college that I learned to not necessarily quiet down, but more so, allow other voices to be heard. Thank you for humbling me, my LMC Fam.

Throughout my years, I’ve learned that people who “F*ck with you” and by that I mean “your vibe, your energy, your flow”, will f*ck with you, regardless.

You aren’t for everyone and that’s OK. You find your tribe and y’all eat together, migrate together, grow together and stunt together. Or you can be a lone wolf and that’s dope, too. I’ve found that people want you to be quiet, docile, small, so they can manipulate, so they can take up space, so it makes them more at ease to do with you what they will, so that you won’t talk back, fight back, bite back, etc.

I recall a story of when I took my 1-year-old niece to the park one day and this older boy pushed past her in a game of hide and seek. He hid underneath a bench and she sure did waddle her way over to him, bend down, said a bunch of gibberish that accurately let out her frustration, got up and walked away. At first, I tried to convince her to be nice and that it was a mistake, but after some thought, she rightfully deserved to feel what she felt and express herself in the way that she did. I was going harder to convince her to chill then he put any effort in to apologize or acknowledge his behavior (granted they were 1 and 5 lol but it taught me a lesson).

And with that, I say, talk back, fight back, bite back. Nice for what? Drake wasn’t lying and neither was Lauryn.

After the iconic Big Freedia graces our ears with her voice, we hear:

I keep letting you back in… how can I explain myself?

before the beat drops. I had to go back to Lauryn’s song of course and read the last part of her lyrics.

There for me, there for me!
Said you'd be there for me!
Cry for me, cry for me!
You said you'd die for me!
Give to me, give to me!
Why won't you live for me?!

Don’t be ashamed that niceness isn’t your default. That smiling first is not your forte. Don’t be ashamed of your resting bitch face. Don’t be ashamed of guarding your heart. Of holding out. Of being aggressive. Of never folding and having to get back up when you do. Don’t be ashamed of your attitude. A lot of these people don’t be worth it. But you are. While I do call for healing and growth, I encourage you to do so at your own pace and not at the expense of others, Sis. It is imperative we heal ourselves and seek self-love practices in order to be our best selves and take care of what is truly important, you. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first, Niece. I say all that to say don’t be ashamed of being hard in a world where soft is seen as a punching bag. Don’t be ashamed to walk down the block with your head held high as you try hard to hold on for another day. Don’t be afraid to be aggressive as you deem fit. You are worthy, anyway. You are amazing, despite your hardships. You are kind. You are just right and you are still growing.

And to those who are reading who feel like you don’t have to put up with it. First, STFU. But, you’re completely right. You don’t have to put up with my mean ass. You don’t have to put up with the attitude. You don’t have to wait for me. You don’t have to be kind to me. You don’t have to be patient with me. So then, leave me alone. Allow me to heal without scrutiny. Don’t look at me. Don’t bother me. Don’t stunt my growth. Don’t criticize me. One of my preteen clients taught me that you don’t take something away unless you’re willing to replace it. You don’t have a right to tell someone to change themselves and not offer the right type of support. You don’t have the right to tear people down, to command that the defense mechanism be knocked down and do nothing to protect them once its already down. You’re not strong enough to pick up the pieces.

This goes out to my aggressive girls and women. The ones who couldn't be soft. The ones who had no choice but to be hard. The ones who were self-conscious and never felt admired. The ones with the chip on their shoulders. The ones who won’t fold. The ones who try in the dark. The ones with the attitude. The ones with their guards up. This one is for you.