Living Single: Choosing YOUr Happiness by Diniqua Bell

Lada: I asked my best friend to reflect on her experiences as a single woman. We've had so many conversations on our expectations, wants, needs, etc. I think a lot of women, especially ones deemed strong and goal oriented hear these things often and are expected to settle. With her dope insight, humor, and her dedication to her happiness, I had to get her to write up her thoughts on it in this piece. I hope yall enjoy =)

Lada: because your single, people assume your lonely or are willing to date anyone.. what do you say about that?

Definitely, Society over all expects you to be in a relationship or even a “situation-ship”. Many assume that being single is complete sadness, misery, anger and for me it’s the total opposite. I found myself while I am single. I got a sudden rush and eagerness to be a part of the world. Clearly that sounds quite extra some may think. But it’s the honest truth, I begin to love myself and want more for myself. I started to understand Life totally different I think in a relationship unknowingly some of us (women) begin to create life only with a person beside us and not a life based on OURSELVES. I hope you understand that. . So as a kid growing up you are watching movies centered on love and relationships. As soon as you hit middle school the quest to have a boyfriend is on 10 LOL. Being in a relationship is a cool thing, having a boyfriend is the thing to have and to keep him more than two month’s WELP you were getting married in the school yard. It is engrained in our heads that it is most important to claim someone and be “his girl”.

If you happen to be single more than six months to a year. People will assume you are desperate. They love hooking you up with the only single dude they know of. The most unthoughtful recommendations. You start questioning whether or not you look desperate on the outside because these people should know you well enough to KNOWWWW they played themselves LOL. It becomes a debate on what it is people feel you “need” to do in order to secure a man. Many times these people aren’t in relationships themselves or if they are not a relationship you would desire to be in. All in all the set up happens because people are comparing how they might be feeling if they were in your predicament. Being single isn’t a jail sentence and quite frankly I made the choice after a four year relationship. In my heart of hearts I seemed to know who I was without the person I begin to try and make a part of my dreams. The decision was a draining one and it hurt like hell to be honest with myself and give my mind what I knew it needed while my heart leaned more toward not hurting him. I chose me and living single has made my life flourish, my smile is bigger, my understanding of relationships is clearer and overall I have learned and reflected on a lot that has built who I am today. Being single is an important growth period every woman in life should assure they have. When single the focus is on you and what you like or dislike. It is a time to be selfish with yourself and the things that make you happy. I would not change the decision I made because within the last three years I have become solid and more sure of myself and my expectations and requirements once I jump back into the dating/ relationship world.

Lada: Reflections on how people think your standards are too high

My standards are very basic for me being women with her own life, money and self-respect. I think people believe that I must be willing to compromise and I am. I am willing to compromise on anything that will not make me lose my morals, my respect or who I am as a person. I have many conversations on what a guy “won’t do” or how as women we need to be willing to mold and help guide them. What I think is the most annoying and frustrating thing is as women we share advice and basically give the “okay” to treat these men that supposed to be MEN like they are our sons. Honestly I do not want kids and I’ll be damned if I am raising a grown man in hopes that he becomes the person I “want him to be”. My standards are basic and an honest, appreciative and respectful man will see that and over achieve it. If we as women especially black women had standards and kept them high than our results in dating and relationships

would be so much better. It is important to make men EARN you and EARNING you have nothing to do with money. It is our nature as Women to be nurturing and caring and “hold down” our men but quite frankly it’s very rare we receive the same work from them in these relationships. We never actually feel safe, secure or understood at all by these men that we choose to place in our lives but it we stood our ground and were comfortable being alone and being patient until he EARNED us than we would attend more weddings and less baby showers.

Lada: Why maintaining your standards are important?

If we do not maintain our standards we lose our selves immediately. We become the continued cycle we see in our families which is either single women OR women in content, miserable and non - beneficial relationships. It’s important to carry yourself as the prize you are. If you know your intentions and your heart is pure it is important that you do not belittle yourself to accept anything. You have to be okay knowing that it’s take time to find a man appreciative of the women that you are and it not being as easy for him that it might have been with other females. Make these men work for the love you’re capable of giving.

Lada: Any common dating trends that you disagree with?

I disagree with the new trend and joke behind a “sidepiece”

If you need a side of anything it must only contain food so you want Yams or collard greens? We watch these TV shows day in and day out praising the women who the man chooses not to claim as there girl and we watch the female be just fine with the situation. It shows a deep insecurity and just how much we empower and place men on a pedestal more than we do ourselves.

Another trend that grinds my gears is the way we as women agree to the circumstances men want. What I mean by this is the men in this generation refuse to be in a relationship but want relationship entitlement. They want to set rules and regulations, come around when they please and or just expect you to be available whenever they need. What do us as women do? Fall right in line just as they love to see happen. In the mind of a woman who doesn’t know herself or understand just why the situation will not change I would like to share that love and respect does not come with putting up with the most bull shit. Be certain of what you want and YOU call the shots, stop getting played and control your board the choice is yours from start to finish if you don’t let his penis, charisma or face distract you. No matter how cute you are and how fat your ass is these guys are never distracted enough to dismiss their plans with you.

Lada: Reflection on defining and maintaining your worth?

In order to maintain and define your worth you must have a self- love. You must be able to understand the person you are and be completely happy with whom you are. If this isn’t in place anyone can come in and alter the way you think and the things you take part in. If you have love for yourself there isn’t much that you will be willing to shift on. Be patient with finding love. A healthy and prosperous love is going to take you having alone time and understand there is NOTHING wrong with being picky when you know you aren’t the basic women. Be choosey,

Be Picky and assert yourself because you want a man the appreciates and isn’t intimidated by all that you are because all that you are RIGHT.