Hey lovely people,

It's been some timeeeeeeeee since the last time. But I am so glad that I still have the means to keep up this domain and this amazing space. Aladalove.com has been virtually alive for a year this past august and I am always amazed at the love and support it has received. I cant thank you all enough.

Here are some reflections since graduation, this past summer and currently.

Accountability

I've had to hold myself accountable for myself and the weight of that was heavy. sounds weird right? lol. Yes, I've always had to hold myself accountable, even before adulthood. However, my identity has been tied into school for so long and I've been going to school for so long that me, without, was new. And scary but also exciting. I've often said this summer, its like I'm tight roping over a high cliff and I cant see below me but I'm holding on firmly and I do feel guided by God.

I've had to come to terms with the fact that my relationship with my parents and family, is what it is. It is a unique relationship and I've had to come to terms with their inaction or their inability to love and support me the way I needed and wanted to be loved. Its still hard for me to accept it as it is. As an adult, I crave the support and attention that one SHOULD get from their parents. I crave the protection and security that one should feel and know from their parents.

So in regards to accountability, I had to hold myself accountable (as I always have) but every time an accomplishment is made and the ones you want there, aren't, you gotta show up for yourself, again and again and though its triumphant, it can be emotional too. I don't think you really get over it, I think you just adjust to it.

Showing up for yourself, by yourself, is often tiring. This is not to say I am not grateful for my amazing friends and the folks who do check in with me, this is to say that I am missing a void of the folks that's SUPPOSED to check in. No one is obligated to you like your parents are.

Healing

This really got me to thinking about what healing looks like for me. There are many things we cant control, especially how others treat you but you can control your response to the treatment. Ive had to learn this early on in life and am still learning. This is part of my ways to keep my sanity and maintain my freedom.

Me exploring the ways in which healing is beneficial to me is understanding that I have a right to be mad, angry, sad, heartbroken, etc. I think often when we feel "negative" emotions, we are encouraged or it is almost demanded of us that we "get over it". Many times we aren't even allowed to feel the full extent of our emotions unless they coincide with happiness. As Solange would say, youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu have a right to be mad. SB: she dropped that album as such an amazing, pivotal time. Shout out to you Solange.

I think I'm still in this process and exploring what it means to me and how it looks to me. I have to remember that healing takes time, its not immediate and requires a lot from me. In this day to day life, its so easy to neglect yourself and remain stagnant in a lot of areas of life, which include emotional development, being stagnant in our jobs, place of residence, etc. Seeking healing in the first place, is a huge step to make. We often hold on to our hurt because its familiar, we never got a sorry or the attempt at reconciliation wasn't to our standards. I'm learning what healing looks like for me, without the pain, and without the sorry's and empty attempts at reconciliation. It's real out chea, but possible.

Solitude

I remember being so afraid of being alone. (physically alone) my brothers used to scare the shit out of me so I was always afraid of the dark. Some traumatic experiences also happened in the dark, which, I guess, contributes to why I disliked it. Law and order SVU didn't help either though, lol. I notice, now though, that I appreciate being alone and really appreciate my space. That's a huge change for me. This was marked by me taking solo trip this past summer to Virginia beach and went camping with some amazing kids in Denver Colorado. (shout out to ELK!) I've never went on a vacation, alone. I was scared out of my mindddddddddddd lol. It was to the point where I kept feeling this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was like this is it, this is the reason I cant go. But my friends was like, "na you're going on this trip" to the point where my friends dad paid for my shelter lol. My OG's was like, "listen, you're good. Go." So I went. And I'll be doing it again. Being alone was everything and I'm happy I've finally been able to embrace being alone. (This comes with stipulations of course lol, cuz ill still check behind a shower curtain or under a bed before feeling completely safe) but still.

Reciprocity

This has always been a theme in my life since my teenage years. I thrive off of reciprocity and I am grateful when I receive it. I peep that what I put into the universe definitely comes back to me, even if I'm not ready to receive it and even if I don't know what to do with it. Or feel I don't deserve it. I am grateful for those who stood by a G knowing that I ain't perfect and am at fault a lot of times. Knowing that I'm still feeling around in the dark, too. Knowing that I am worthy of attention, affection, care, protection, guidance, love, security, celebration, healing, forgiveness, and so much more. Knowing that I am not a "one time" thing. Knowing that I take work and patience, and understanding. Deciding to come back to me. Deciding to confide in me. Deciding to grow with me. Deciding to trust me. Knowing that I will disappoint them. Knowing that I will upset them. Knowing that I may make them sad. But knowing that I don't ever mean to hurt them and in the event that I do, I will do what it takes to restore their love and trust in me. I appreciate the souls who pour into me. Effortlessly. Naturally. Consistently. without ever ceasing. I appreciate all the souls who've been able to reciprocate what I give even when they aren't used to getting it. Y'all are dope af and that makes me dope af.

As I'm navigating through these reflections, I gotta remember to allow myself to grow. Learn. Feel. And be. That's all I'm willing to do right now and I'm cool with that. I remember times, I didn't think I'd make it this far in life... like actually see life after graduation. I gotta say though, its been lit.