Below is excerpts from a letter I penned to a loved one and my reflections thereafter. The letter was mainly about trying to revive our relationship and sustain a healthy one. This person is near and dear to my heart and there was a time when I would’ve laid my life on the line for them. After years of no reciprocation, I had to get out of that mindset and set my heart and mind free.

“Wassup,

I sincerely hope all is well with you. I hope when this reaches you, you are met with peace, comfort, understanding and love. How are you really doing?

Admittedly, I ignored your calls and when they became excessive, I blocked the number until I was ready to talk to you or hear from you again. All this to protect my peace…”

This freedom included setting myself free from financially providing for them, feeling obligated to respond to their requests, making excuses for their shortcomings. A lot of times, when one hears about relationships and breaking away from them, we think of significant others and not necessarily family members. Our families can be the main ones that have the ability to lift us up or break us down. I think familial relationships are more difficult to break from because we cannot choose who we are biologically related to. It can be difficult to advocate for yourself if you are mistreated by family because confrontation is uncomfortable and a lot is on the line. A lot of people cannot afford to be at odds with their families because of financial reasons, living arrangements, family secrets, etc. When you are born into this world, the few folks that you should be able to depend on is your family.

I’m here to say that it is OK to break away from your family. It is OK to leave toxic environments or not go around at all. It is OK to ignore that phone call, set boundaries, don’t go to their residence, or feel obligated to attend family events especially if you know you will be uncomfortable, disrespected, picked on, etc. I knew since I was a teen that staying in an environment that didn’t value my presence, appreciate who I was and wouldn’t give me space to thrive, was not the place for me. This is why I applied to college in Upstate NY or out of state. During a recent powerful phone conversation, my best friend and I were reflecting on who I was as a teen, and she reminded me that I used to be angry at everything and felt like I had to fight for everything. I can admit that I was aggressive and felt the need to defend myself because no one else defended me. No one defended my heart, no one defended my body and no one defended my honor. Due to this, I felt that I had to fight for everything. I would speak up if I felt like I was being played, I would apply aggression to physical situations, I was always ready to defend myself from any and everyone. This allowed me to build up years of fear, abandonment issues and so much more. This also forced me to rely on self because I was thrust into a situation where, if I didn't make sure I was good financially or otherwise, no one else would or no one else would go the lengths I'd go for myself. When I finally got out of that space and did serious self assessment, I was able to acknowledge and admit where those reactions and where the pain comes from. From my experience, I am very careful who I associate with whether in passing, within my career, family members and romantic partners. Growing up, I was in spaces where I’ve witnessed physical abuse, cursing, screaming, crying, breaking things, etc. I don’t want to have that as my norm as an adult and IF I see an inkling of it, anywhere around me, I know that that isn’t the space for me.

“If I find myself cursing at someone or being callous, disrespectful, short, annoyed, etc., I have to admit that the respect isn’t there and I gotta rectify that within myself and with them or stay away from them. I don’t associate with partners who talk to me disrespectfully, who threaten me, who harm me, etc. I’ve (we’ve) grown up in this and now that I have a choice in my environment and over my autonomy, I will no longer allow it within myself or around me. I won’t take it from them and I won’t take it from my blood…”

I had to fight for my peace within myself and within my surroundings. I appreciate what my adopted mom has done for me but I am grateful to have my own space. Getting my first place in NYC signified more than flexing my independence. It meant retaining and maintaining my freedom because going back “home” legit wasn’t an option, physical space wise and mental space wise. It is more than okay to go where you are wanted, to dwell where you know your feelings will be reciprocated, to live in peace and love. The idea of "giving myself permission" used to sound so silly to me but I am more conscientious of it. I give myself permission to heal from my past traumas and not hold on to that which hurt me. I used to hold on to the pain so vehemently because it was familiar to me and it is was drove me. I'm here to tell you to give yourself permission to heal, to let go, to maintain your peace, to rectify your sanity. Sometimes, this looks like going to a friends events instead of family events or staying home. This looks like supporting your friends or significant other before you support your family. This looks like telling your friends/significant other things before you tell your family. This looks like not lending money out. This looks like withholding your business or news from family who you know aren't going to be genuinely happy for you.

In this journey, I understand that I am not perfect and I am sure I have offended others. I have learned that I prefer not to move in malice, disrespect, misunderstanding, etc. so I am open to reconcile and apologizing if I or they deem it necessary. It used to be sooooooo difficult for me to acknowledge my wrongs and apologize. Literally. I used to say it in a low, rushed voice so that no one could hear me. That was my pride speaking for me because I disliked being "weak". Apologizing doesn't make you weak, it allows you to self assess and rectify your wrong doings, even if you didn't do it on purpose. I always have to remember that my intent doesn’t matter but my impact does. I am not above apologizing for my actions and words as I believe this opens the door way for accountability and healing.

“…If you ever feel as though I am not giving you these things/feelings/vibes, let me know, I’m always down to have this discussion or listen to you. I am learning and growing and I’m not perfect but I am willing. Never do I want you moving through this world feeling unloved, not cared for, forgotten, taken for granted, hurt, depressed, etc. at the expense of something I said or did…” Reciprocity is important to me. I think most humans appreciate knowing they're appreciated and it being mirrored. This is what drives us and sustains us and our relationships. In the event that I am not giving you the same positive energy as me, it is important I am notified so I can rectify. It is never my purpose to make you feel devalued or unappreciated. With this standard that I set for myself, I too want this to be the standard of how others will treat me.

“I work hard to protect my heart, my mind and my space and disengage from anything that interrupts that, especially considering all the bullshit I’ve been through which you know about. I will no longer engage in anything that seeks to bring me back to a place of hurt, self-doubt, uncertainty, pain, anxiety, depression, feeling unworthy, etc.” and I mean that. I am sincerely and truly reclaiming my time and hoping I am breaking generational curses in the process. Love lives in my space. Forgiveness lives in my space. Joy lives in my space. Happiness lives in my space. Humility lives in my space. Healing thrives through my space. A line comes to me from a gospel song called “I will bless the Lord” by Bryon Cage. He stated “ You don't know, ‘cause you weren’t there, when God snatched me out of the enemy’s hand.” If you knew how many times I've prayed for happiness, I've cried myself to sleep in the dark, how many times I've hugged myself, how many times I've begged for reciprocity until I had to give myself that gift, how many walls I've built up and taken down In the name of comradery and family just for it to have to be rebuilt, stronger and tougher this time. When you had to look at your scarred and bruised body multiple times and force yourself to give yourself a compliment and realize the beauty within and out, and years of undoing decades of negative self talk and from others, you'd know how far I'm willing to go to protect and maintain my peace. You'd know how hard I've come and why I no longer will engage in anything that doesn’t reflect that.

May you respect me, love me, see me as worthy, care for me, and wish for me all things good or return when you do, and only when you do.

PERIODT.

I am the captain now. This is entitled that because I am the captain of my life, of my happiness, my joy, my peace, ALL THINGS GOOD and I will take as much control as God allows me.

I wrote this spur of the moment on Facebook and this is a reminder to myself and to you.

“If you knew how much I cried, how much I fought, how many times I've had to hug myself, how many times I've had to soothe myself, how many times I've screamed in silence, how many times I've tried to shrink myself, how miserable I was, how angry I was, how aggressive I was, how many times I've prayed, how many times I've had to lick my wounds, sometimes self inflicted and otherwise, how many times I was close to losing my sanity, how many break downs, how much weight I had to lift up off me, you'd know why I fought and fight so hard, why I maintain my peace, why I keep my space, why I speak so loud, why I am so proud of me and why I wont let anyone else, me or otherwise, take me there again. Amen.”

AMEN.