By Anonymous

In order to protect myself and the people I am speaking about (although I should just say F you because you're selfish), I am going to be changing the names of those involved.

My first real instance with sexual assault/harassment/whatever your specific label for it is, was when I was 11 or 12 years old. I didn't even know what this was until years later which is my first issue; why wasn't I taught how to protect myself from this? 'This' as I just called it was a form of sexual exploitation or exposure. Do you remember when you would play a game on the internet like chess or something but some of them had chatrooms? Well, that exactly how this happened. This sounds so stupid now that I'm older because I clearly know better now but didn't realize I didn't know so much then. Like almost every other story, I met a "girl" in the chatroom playing checkers and we exchanged AIM screennames (first instance of stupidity on my part). Well, after months of playing checkers together online and setting up times to play via AIM, I get a video call one day from "her" and answered it. It wasn't "her"; it wasn't even a "her". It was some guy in the military masturbating. I deleted my AIM after that and never said anything about it because I didn't understand, but I knew I didn't want to see it again.

Then, at 14, my boyfriend at the time would blow up my phone about wanting hand jobs or blow jobs and how on our one-year anniversary, we were going to have sex. When his parents found these messages on his phone, they told my parents I put him up to it and my parents believed them because I was a year older. My parents believed that I told him over the phone to send me those texts, but never had texts to prove I ever responded in any way in agreeance or acceptance of his demands. At 15, he was still trying to control me even though we were not together and would consistently message me on Facebook looking to meet up secretly or send each other pictures. I don't know what I was so stupid and didn't just ignore him prior to this but at some point, I just did, and he stopped reaching out...…...until he found out I was 16 and had a boyfriend. Then it became less annoying and more threatening; "you were supposed to love me", "you promised to never leave me", "you know you think about me". Sexual harassment and verbal abuse; what a lovely combination to spew at someone you say you love.

All of these past scenarios seemed to disappear from my memory once I finally found something worth allowing myself to be a part of. I had 2 beautiful years of what a healthy relationship should be, but then I went to college. Within my first week of college, I made this friend. We'll call him Stephen. Stephen always seemed very protective of me and I really thought nothing of it because we were a part of an entire group of friends. He knew my boyfriend so I really never thought anything out of the ordinary would become of this friendship, but that all changed 5 years later. We will come back to Stephen. With Stephen my 2nd year of college came his friend we'll call Kyle. Kyle lived upstairs from me in the dorms. Kyle was cool, was in some clubs I was in, and was always down for game night. I don't even know how far into our friendship this happened, but as I walked into the dorm elevator one night, Kyle and his roommate got in with me and only hit the button for their floor. I figured I would just go to my floor after they got off but instead, Kyle bearhugged me (which wasn't out of the ordinary) and wouldn't let me go (out of the ordinary) until we were in his room. After tossing me onto his bed, he and his roommate laughed and asked when I was going to the dining hall. Turns out they wanted to just 'kidnap' me for dinner but thought they were being funny and only took me with them to their room so they could get their ID to get into

dinner. I accepted that as an answer even though at 19, I started to be able to understand that I knew better. This Kyle situation got worse however. One day on my way to class, Kyle picked me up as he hugged me and grabbed my thighs. Once he put me down, he let me know how he "liked that I was getting thick and he needed me to keep doing whatever I was doing". I avoided him in whichever way I could after that, and never moved back onto campus. I knew that was wrong but didn't have the voice to tell anyone. So, I didn’t, and it haunted me for a long time.

Now, 4 years later, a lot older and more mature, capable of understanding and knowing how to protect my body in a way I didn't before, Stephen REALLY tried it. A few months ago, at an event, Stephen decided he wanted to tell me that he has wanted to see, feel, and suck my breasts since they first day he met me, but he didn't because he respected my boyfriend. RESPECTED MY BOYFRIEND, not me, MY BOYFRIEND. As I went to remove myself from the situation, he proceeded to tell me that he still wants to have sex and asked if we could multiple times. How many times do you need to say No for that shit to stick? As I walked into the event and proceeded to explain the conversation, I just had with someone I trusted, they just laughed. Now this person I trusted was an adult. They took my concern for a joke. When Stephen showed up drunk, I took it upon myself to continuously move myself away from him because this adult took what I said for a joke. I was uncomfortable and that shit was a joke to someone. Stephen has a girlfriend now and hasn't tried to speak to me since. Hallelujah.

As I just explained all of these occurrences to a friend who thought she experienced sexual violence, she asked me why I stayed quiet for so long. My answer: I'm protecting my peace and my blackness. She knew exactly what that meant. I have learned how to use my voice and luckily that same boyfriend from before is still around and he has opened my eyes to a world of protecting myself, so others don't have to. I always thought someone was supposed to protect me. I choose to move on from these situations because my peace needs to come before putting any energy into people who thought they had power over me. They never won. They never got what they wanted and that was me. When I say I'm protecting my blackness though, I mean I'm protecting my character, integrity, and self-image. In our community we always hear that "I wasn't allowed to sit on my dad or uncles lap," or "I wasn't allowed to sleep over and her house because she has a dad and brothers there". That shit is crazy. Those statements aren't protecting us from predatory behavior, it's protecting predators from being exposed. I have never heard anyone outside of the Black/Brown/POC category say any of this, ever experience this, NOTHING. That's what a lot of the black community does though. You don't believe little girls when they say they were touched. You limit your children from having childhood experiences such as a sleepover because God forbid something happens, you think you're to blame for letting your child sleepover rather than blame the predator. Why is that? Black women protect Black men at any cost in most scenarios. This is a major one. If I have a big butt and it hangs out of my shorts, I'm told to wear bigger clothes and cover up because I'm being "a hoe, thot, slut, skank, etc." when really my body shouldn't be hypersexualized by men who can't control themselves. When men sag their pants, we don't tell them having their penis poking out like that makes them any of those derogatory things because were too busy defending them when someone calls them a thug. I never spoke up because it would have either been my fault somehow, taken as a joke, or a cry for attention. Why? Black women protect Black men at any cost, and we aren't being protected back at the same rate. No one protected me until I learned to do it myself.

More info on college sexual assault

https://collegestats.org/resources/sexual-assault-prevention/

Lada: I appreciate Anonymous sharing this with me. Sexual assault, especially on college campuses is so prevalent. We must educate ourselves and each other so that we could prevent sexual assault and empower those who are afraid to speak out. The feelings afterward are very complex and many suffer in silence. Thank you so much for trusting me and trusting this platform. You are appreciated, valuable and loved. Thank you <3