* I started this piece on Jan 14th and am just now finding enough strength to finish it.*

Hello everyone. Let me be as forthcoming as ever to say that this piece is going to explore, patriarchy, sex and sexual abuse, hence the title, trigger warning. This piece aims to explore the complex relationship between all three and hope to aim for some healing for those of us who survived sexual abuse and struggle with self worth even, years later.

Ight so boom, according to the most trusted educational tool that students depend on, Wikipedia, patriarchy - "according to sociology, patriarchy is a social system in which males hold primary power and predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege and control of property."

In short, male views and ideologies rule the world. In shorter short, this is a mans world. Women are largely impacted by this "mans world" in many ways. As the definition pointed out, politically, socially, etc. Sex is a big one and is made to be a pivotal part in relations between men and women. Women are taught that sex is something to please men or "control" men. Women are constantly shamed for enjoying sex or even having sex. Girls are shamed for showing signs of any sexuality. This is one of the reasons why people hold on to being virgins for so long. The more we engage in sex, especially with men, the more we are devalued. Once we engage with men, we are considered lower, less worthy. Wouldn't that speak so to men's value then women's? And for women who have sex with other women, their sex lives aren't even legitimized unless she has had interactions with a penis first. I've known so many guys to be shocked that women actually watch and enjoy porn. They're shocked that teens/women actually masturbate because they cant imagine that we would actually enjoy pleasure without them. Teen girls are taught to keep their legs closed while teen boys are encouraged to get in between as many as possible. If a teen girl has sex, she is seen as "fast, grown, etc" and no longer looked at as valuable or precious. This allows her to be demonized in her community, abroad and can create turmoil within herself. This is even more so felt by black girls/women. The first sign of puberty allows this demonizing to begin, even if she isn't interested in sex. This double standard often puts boys and men on a pedestal which allow them to dictate the worth of girls and women which then dictates our self worth. This is where we see words like "good girl, wifey, wifey material, etc" vs. "hoes, thots, sluts, etc" but either group can easily become a "bitch" if we aren't pleasing the male gaze, infatuation and when we no longer play their game. The common denominator is men. Keep that in mind, by the way.

Now all of this mixed with the demeaning act of rape, sexual assault, coercion... and all hell breaks lose and lots of tears fall. In this hell is constant lack of self worth, embarrassment, shame and blaming, often times blaming ourselves for this. For allowing it to happen. For being there. For wearing that. For saying that. For not saying anything at all. For not fighting back. For keeping our mouths shut during and after. For calling them back. For still hanging around them. For still seeking their validation. For never being the same again. For depression. For suicide. For not protecting the little girl inside of us. For not being deemed protection worthy. For it all. This experience and painful memories often intrude on ones desire to have sex. There's so much trauma that comes with surviving sexual assault and or molestation. Yes, Surviving. This, mixed with the shame that is already associated with having sex makes it less pleasurable and more like a weapon to be used to demonize and ostracize. Teens girls are constantly shamed for having sex and many times, I've heard stories where teenagers and women engaged in sex, not because they wanted to but they felt pressured too. Many women often say they regret their first time, as it often stemmed from pressure instead of pleasure and we're taught to use our bodies as bargaining chips and not something to be valued for ourselves, always through the eyes of men. And never, ever for own desires. From early age, we are taught to please men. From our dress, to our looks, to our voice, to our presence. We are taught to sit pretty and quietly, we are taught to be small and take up as little intellectual and physical space as possible. To allow the men and boys to rule and dictate. We are taught to dress modestly in hopes of attracting a man who will take care of us. Please men. Put your self second. Don't even explore yourself yet unless a man or boy has had a hand in your development and growth. This breeds generations of insecure girls/women eager to please boys/men at the expense of our own bodies, minds, sanity, etc. hoping to get picked, hoping to be a prize. This means pressure, even when you don't want to, shutting up even when you disagree, going along though your gut says otherwise, riding or dying. Death isn't foreign whether physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Domestic violence runs rampant in the black community.

How do we break this?

Empower young girls and women with confidence and self esteem that stem from within. Praise them and yourself (because a lot of us are still working on us) for their qualities that make them unique. There's nothing wrong with praising one for their looks, but personality traits are just as important, if not more. European beauty standards are bullshit, step away from that because the world doesn't revolve around them.

Teach boys/men to respect all girls/women and learn that we are not for your consumption. Also realize that because one doesn't fit the mold of what you deem respectful, doesn't mean they aren't deserving of respect. Self awareness is p-i-v-o-t-a-l and calling out your crew is fucking necessary. Disrespecting and allowing disrespect on your watch continues to allow the perpetuation to continue. It stops with you.

Sex can be healthy and fun for all parties involved. One, we must take the shame away from sex itself. Sex doesn't have to be used as a weapon and definitely shouldn't be used to measure your self worth. Yes, sharing your body with someone can be one of the most vulnerable things you can do with yourself and with someone. However, clear communication, exploration and comfortability can really make sex more enjoyable.

CONSENT. This should've been number one. We must respect peoples individual decisions to either abstain or engage. Coercion is not OK! No means no, simply and those of us who say "no" have to be comfortable in our no or learn to be comfortable in our "no". If your mind, body, etc. is rejecting this interaction for whatever reason, it's more then OK to go with that feeling. I know often times, people say yes or silently go along with an uncomfortable situation in fear of violence, being ostracized, desire to please or whatever other reason. No means no. Respect it.

Sex education is important, af. Educating ourselves and more vulnerable populations about the importance of protection and consent and their options are essential in stopping the spread of diseases. Making a more informed decision empowers the one who engages and allows them to make a choice. We must also stop stigmatizing STD's/ HIV, etc. People of color, especially black people are largely effected by the spread of these diseases. We cannot afford to be silent, we cant afford to be ashamed any more, it is literally hurting and killing us. One is not "dirty", "unworthy" etc. because they have contracted disease/s. Many different circumstances lead to why one can get this and none of them should cause us to suffer in silence. Its way more common then we think. Take the shame away so we can free ourselves.

Sexual liberation is more than just about having sex "all willy nilly" but not being ashamed of enjoying sex. Women are placed on these pedestals and only stay there until male gaze deems her unfit. When we promote sexual liberation and step away from respectability politics, we create a more free environment that allows people to be their authentic selves. This allows people to seek help without shame, be free without hiding and policing themselves in fear of backlash or isolation. This allows body autonomy which we all have a right to. No more hiding, no more shame, no more pain.

Healing is on the way.

Please feel free to add other things you feel we could do as a culture to liberate ourselves and each other.

Thank you so much for reading. Much love!