Growing up and through my teens years, I used to be a "pick me". According to urban dictionary, a pick me is a "A person who begs for the attention, acceptance and approval of a certain group in different things they say. In most case, it's to attain the attention, acceptance and approval of the opposite sex." More plain:

Lord, as I look back at those days I am ashamed. Some examples of my pick me behaviors and sayings were:

Shakes head in shame:

Like stfu, yo. And who likes their own status?

Signs your a pick me if you say ish like this:

"I only hang out with dudes because girls bring too much drama".
Now, I grew up in a household full of boys so I easily identified with stuff that boys were into and desperately wanted to be like my brothers as a young girl. I had an all white room with barbie doll comforters and pink sheer curtains and pink and white this and that but my brothers always judged my worth on how tough I was and whether or not I was able to fight and whether or not I could do what they did so that is what was valuable to me. Thus, I was dubbed a tomboy and in school, that's who I hung out with the most. HOWEVER, I had some dope girlfriends and def met one of the dopest in 6th grade who still stands as my first best friend to this day. However, I wasn't a unicorn and no doubt many girls grew up watching wrestling, playing with Pokemon cards, throwing footballs and playing with action figures. No doubt, many girls were into things that I wasn't into. Yes, sometimes, there was drama I wasn't fond of, HOW EVA, doesn't mean I wasn't into drama and it definitely wasn't an excuse to stay away from girls, it was more so a way for me to identify with my guy friends, ultimately throwing my girl counterparts under the bus.

"If I were to have a kid, I want it to be a boy because girls do too much"

SIDE EYE! Throwing my fellow women/girls under the bus is not conducive to my growth. (IF I WANTED KIDS) How could I not want a little me? Girls are dope af, as evidenced by my dope nieces and the amazing little girls I know. The hardships in raising a girl stem from the idea that girls have attitudes that are too hard to deal with and girls can end up being "hoes" and the fact that I'd have to protect her from Boys and men!

Concerning yourself with the opinions, emotions of men/boys. A man aint gonna marry you if (insert whatever here) or "why would he want the cow if he could get the milk for free?"

Older generations are so guilty of imposing these ideologies on girls since birth who then grow into women who want to impress a man so bad, we'll put our dreams on hold in hopes of obtaining a partner. Well put our self image in their hands and try to do whatever to seem more attractive. Well live our whole existence trying to impress guys. Guys are nurtured to be selfish, and focus on their goals, while we are nurtured to focus on them. Little brother, one of the greatest hip hop groups said it best in their single Breakin' my heart ft. Lil Wayne : "I aint saying that its right but we often pay the price, cuz a woman's life is love, a mans love is life, and he gon' live it to the fullest."

The dangers of a pick me:

Why is this an issue? Because being a pick me is being subservient to men. Because being a pick me means that I'm throwing women and girls under the bus. Because being a pick me means I'm working against my best interests. Because being a pick me allows misogynoir, ostracism, bullying, and so much more, further separating us from each other. Because being a pick me means I'm going hard for men/boys who wont exert the same energy for me. When black women are dying at the hands of their partners, are being harassed in the street, their image being policed and duplicated with no credit or protection, the first people to show up are usually other black women. Because being a pick me shows that I'm insecure and willing to throw another woman under the bus in an attempt to elevate my status. And any man who would talk bad about other women and puts stipulations on their respect for women based on whatever non nonsensical measurement, isn't the one for me anyway. Because even after I throw my fellow women under the bus, rarely do I ever, If ever, get picked. When I see women online or in person, rarely do I ever see that they get what they're fishing for. They remain single or have to hid their partner, don't get any support outside of comments on pictures and still remain un - picked. And even if that is the case, they still take shots at other women which tells me they are unhappy, still. These women typically try and convince other women to lower their standards (whether asking for protection, security, stability, attractiveness, respect, you know shit that one should expect out of a relationship) and go for the bare minimum of what men have to offer. The dangers in putting this responsibility on women is that it doesn't force men to step up their game to reach these standards that would no doubt benefit them as well. We also have to stop throwing trans women under the bus in attempt to elevate our status. ITS NOT COOL AND ITS COMPLETELY DISGUSTING. Our Trans sisters, especially black women, are dying at alarming rates and this continues to be the case every year. ALL women deserve respect, love, admiration, protection and should feel secure in their skin and in their communities. If you do this, STOP. You are literally contributing to their death, physically and emotionally. Call it out when you see it and protect them at all cost.

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